SOME PEOPLE!!!!

[shelby-m]

Still, I agree this story is horrifying. I think I would have burst into tears!

[gena-mcclure]

Before I was a harpist, I played in bands in LA..and had the same thing happen. People would come up and ask if they could “sit in”. I would tell them: ” I’m sorry, but we’ve been booked for this gig. If you feel like you want to play this venue, you’ll have to go through the same channels that we’ve gone thru.”

I never had any problems after that. And I’ve been more adamant now with my harp. I tell people that my insurance doesn’t cover “other players”. I’m always nice and polite, and they can’t argue with that.

[steven-todd-miller]

I tell people that my insurance doesn’t cover other players”.”

Gena, what a great response for this situation. Brilliant!

[David Ice]

@ Misty….LOL!

[laura-smithburg-byrne]

David,

I can so relate to your stories, it is absolutely amazing how rude and outrageous some people are. I am more patient with children because I have several and have a “mother’s mind” advantage in dealing with them. I have found asking them to be the “personal bodyguards” of the instrument to be a very successful way to engage them to be protective of my harp.

As a reward I always let them pluck a string or zip a gliss if their hands are clean and their parent is with them.

However, I also tell other “strange” or “annoying” people the same line about my insurance policy not allowing me to let them play my harp, this also works for people who insist on trying to help me move it when I don’t want or need their help.

I further explain that if they get injured I won’t be able to pay for their hospitalization and that always stops them dead in their tracks.

Regarding holding your ground and sticking to your professional ethics when dealing with others who are unethical, well I could write a book about that.

I have dug a trench holding my ground and suffered whiplash from turning my cheek so many times that I sometimes feel like a “bobble-head”, and this from supposed “christian-minded individuals”.

I’ve been dizzy from the altitude from taking the “higher ground” with unbelievably manipulative individuals and yet…

“I’m still standing better than I ever did…”

You are right to stay true to your values and handle yourself with poise and grace, but I also applaud your “pluck” and encourage you to maintain your boundaries with the “sociopaths” and the “prima-donnas”.

Please keep the stories coming David, you are a breath of fresh air and comic relief with your hilarious recounts of the ridiculous circumstances of professional harpists.

Thanks for sharing, you are a real gem on this forum!

[Julietta Anne Rabens]

Wow, David. That harp circle story is quite ironic. Having someone be antagonistic in an attacking way is one main underlying fears people have about speaking or performing up front. She was demonstrating how it could be scary while saying the opposite. You showed how to maintain composure when up front even under uncomfortable situations and were honest about it.

[David Ice]

Thanks.

[Sylvia]

“Oh, I’m working 7 days a week, playing teas here and brunches there, and I’m exhausted.

[David Ice]

LOL Sylvia!

[carl-swanson]

David- What you describe in this woman is the classic Narcissistic personality. One of their many behaviioral patterns is to magnify all their own achievements enormously and at the same time demean and criticize everyone else’s. They also twist everything around so that they are never to blame for anything. Not anything. So it’s pointless to respond to someone like that because they will only rewrite the whole scene when they tell other people what happened and how rude you were.

[Christian Frederick]

Carl, I wish there was a

[carl-swanson]

Christian-Your last sentence sums it up nicely. The fact is, narcissists are consumed with measuring themselves against other people and are in an endless struggle to prove that they are “better” than everyone else. I consider myself an expert on narcissism. I had a mother who was a brutal narcissist. I’ve read several books on the subject, and each book lists the behaviors and symptoms that narcissists exhibit to one degree or another. It’s like these people all operate from the same script. I did learn, much too late in my life, that if you stand up to them, if you raise the bar high enough, they will back down. But it’s not a pleasant experience. The thing that I most resent about all narcissists is that they force ME into the position of defining limits on THEIR behavior. Because if you let them, they will walk all over you.

[laura-smithburg-byrne]

They also twist everything around so they are never to blame for anything. Not anything

Carl you are absolutely right and I appreciate you being so succinct and honest in describing your very personal experience with a narcissist. What you and Christian so clearly described can only be understood once you have been abused by a narcissist and figure out their psychological manipulations and the web of pain they create in others. I find it incredible that these narcissists get away with it so much of the time and that people “buy into” their “persona” that they have so carefully crafted. The more independent and happy and successful you are the more “Crazy” it makes them; because they can’t control you and keep you down under their thumb where they feel you belong.

A psychiatrist friend of mine explained it to me once this way: “they are on a different axis than you, they thrive on chaos and upset, they cannot stand your calm energy”.

You threaten their reality by being who you are so they are compelled to throw you off your center by whatever means necessary.

Your very existence is an unbearable “threat” and so they diminish and demean you in any way possible.

Once they figure out what buttons to push to upset you they go for it every time!

My experience is that they are expertly skilled in the art of emotional abuse and cruelty.

They are also masterful at playing the “victim” and making you look like the bad person by calling them on their outrageous behavior.

This is especially aggregious when they involve religion in their sanctimonious and self-righteous behavior.

Narcissists have no boundaries and in maintaining your boundaries with them you are labeled as mean, pushy, or self-centered. In actuality, it is they who are mean, pushy, and of course self-centered, the very definition of narcissism.

This is especially upsetting in the workplace when you have to work with a narcissist.

If your career success is a threat to them on their “turf” then you are in for a major battle.

I have been astonished at the lengths this “one” individual will go to harass me and the number of other people she will involve in her game. It is emotional abuse, the hardest to prove and yet very real to the one suffering their slings and arrows. Anyone who has survived this kind of “sick master manipulator” is to be applauded and respected for their hard earned wisdom and emotional health and well being.

Healthy people do not hurt others to become successful, they achieve it by reaching for their own star, not blocking the light of someone else’s.

In fact, you never know what you can learn and achieve from someone else’s bright light shining around you in your own life!

[carl-swanson]

Laura- You have to understand that the thought processes of a narcissist are very bizarre when compared to a mentally healthy person. In every situation they are in, they perceive themselves to be the victim, when in fact just the opposite is true.

[laura-smithburg-byrne]

Carl,

Well I am not a specialist in personality disorders and mental illness and I don’t presume to know the “clinical definition” of narcissism.

But I know it when I see it and I know what I have experienced and have sought understanding from friends who are specialists in this area.

I agree you with you and your definition does make it clear when you look at it from an objective distance.

However when you are in the thick of it and trying to work harmoniously with a person who is so personally and professionally bizarre, it is hard to not be adversely affected.

When healthy boundaries and professional ethics are so brazenly disregarded then you are forced to make choices about how you will and will not be treated.

It is one thing when someone is so sick that they are delusional in their interactions with others and completely “unaware” of how their dysfunctional behavior affects others. I have also found this to be the case when dealing with people who are deep in an addiction and are clueless as to the damage they cause other people. Unfortunately this is especially upsetting when they don’t even know they should be trying to “make amends” to the people they have so recklessly injured. After all why should they bother, they are more “important” than you and they can get away with it, because no one wants to deal with them in a healthy way. It is perplexing and upsetting to never know what someone with these issues is going to do next.

To not get sucked into their “psyco-drama” and stay centered out of their dysfunction is the challenge for a healthy person.

When I have confronted a person like this and maintained my boundaries, ususally the narcissist gets hysterical, crying, and then blames me for being the problem. They usually do it in a public way so they can spin the scene to their advantage and say whatever they want to make you look like the bad person.

Normally I wouldn’t care that much in a friendship or relationship issue, you simply cut your losses and move on.

But when a person is trying to hurt you personally and professionally, well that is altogether different as it is pre-meditated and intentional. This is especially true if they are trying to ruin your reputation and/or set you up so they can get you fired.

I have found this to be “selective narcissism” and they only “‘turn it on” when they are around people they feel threatened by, or feel the need “to control others” because they are so “crazy insecure.”

Regardless of whether is is full blown “narcissism” or “narcissistic behavior” thrown in with a a potpourri of other “personality disorders” is beyond my expertise. But “SOME PEOPLE” will push the limits and you have to stop them and stand your ground or they will take great pleasure in “steamrolling you”.

[Author]

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