Self-important new husband arrogant about my harp biz

[carl-swanson]

Carol- What you and everybody here have described exactly is narcissistic behavior. This is known in psychiatry as a BPD, a borderline personality disorder. There is no treatment, no medication, and they are able to get through life holding a job and more or less functioning. But they leave a path of destruction everywhere they go: broken relationships, hurt feelings,etc. And in their eyes it is always someone else’s fault.

Read a book about narcisssism and see how many of the symptoms apply to him. The thing about narcissists is that, when they want something, like a marriage, they are very manipulative, and can behave, for a time, like the perfect spouse. But once they have what they want, they revert to their real self and become impossible to live with. Their good behavior is an act. If in fact he is really a narcissist, the most he can do is put the brakes, for a short time, on his behavior. He can’t or won’t change it because in his eyes, he didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t do anything to make the marriage better(in spite of what he tells you) because you are not the one who is the source of the problem. As long as you stay in this marriage, you will become the peacekeeper. Your whole life will revolve about keeping him calm and not setting him off(which is impossible to do). You will totally loose yourself in the process.

[Saul Davis Zlatkovski]

I think the simple solution is to build a harp studio onto the house or to rent a separate space. It sounds like there is enough money coming to do that. It is very difficult to lead a normal life while someone is giving lessons in the living room, and it may be that he can’t relax. He sounds like someone with a lot of stress or self-focus needed to do what he does. Perhaps you are being insensitive to his needs, and so he is returning the favor. I don’t assume this is a no-win situation at all. You need to talk about this on a deeper level with each other and work out a mutual solution. You could restrict your teaching to daytime hours when he is at work, or use another location. Perhaps he resents not having your attention and company in his time off. His focus on the amount of money involved could be a decoy to what he really feels. If he is that shallow, then perhaps you can open his eyes. Perhaps he is not ready for that. Marriage is about compromise and working together, not a battle to win, am I right?

[Saul Davis Zlatkovski]

Another possible angle is that he is jealous, of course, but it could also be that he is not involved, and maybe there is a way you can involve his skills so he has some personal investment in it. Two-career homes can involve stress on the structure of the relationship, which way the gravity travels. All that needs to be addressed, I think, not abandoned.

[onita-sanders]

AUGH!.

[tony-morosco]

It sounds like he has no respect for you. I am going to assume that he wasn’t always like this, because if he was then why would you marry him at all in the first place?

But if I were living in your situation I would probably be considering leaving if he wasn’t willing to go to couples counseling.

For one thing, if you are married, then it is ‘your’ (plural) house. He is willing to give you some money towards groceries? That’s it?

He doesn’t sound like he thinks he is in a marriage but more a business relationship, and that your other business is interfering with his. I am not going to try to diagnose him based on what you wrote. Having once worked in the mental health field I know you have not given enough information to pin down exactly what is up with him. But I can see enough in your description (if accurate) to say that he is exhibiting at least some form of personality disorder, and that

[kay-lister]

I would advise councelling for both of you.

[Saul Davis Zlatkovski]

Well, I grew up in a house with living-room piano lessons, and it is not easy to deal with. Marriage is not something to just throw away. Surely he knew of your working beforehand? I don’t know how old either of you are, but it might be a question of becoming more mature as well as more flexible. Teaching in the living room of a busy house is not realistic.

[jimmy-h]

As a man, I have to say your husband sounds like a self absorbed arrogant tool.

It sounds like he has no respect for you or your interests. Life is too short to waste it on the unappreciative. Seek counseling at a minimum and plan ahead for a divorce if thats where you need to go.

[Alison]

There are control issues here and they need to be recognised before you can really address the situation or ask anyone to modify their behaviour.

[mike-c]

divorce and take his ass to the cleaner’s on the way.

[kirsten-osborne]

Carol,

I am so sorry you are going through this. This absolutely does not sound like an issue with the harp, this sounds like verbal and emotional abuse. My guess is that if you had a completely different profession, there would still be issues. This is just not how you speak to someone in a relationship. I would absolutely recommend you go to a domestic abuse counselor, he or she would help you to decide if this abuse and help you make decisions from there. No one deserves to be treated the way that you’re describing.
I wish you all the best in improving this situation. You deserve much more respect.

[Author]

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