Self-important new husband arrogant about my harp biz

  • Keymaster
    HBrock25 on #145613

    How best to deal with a new husband who at times behaves in an adversarial way toward my harp biz? He is in a business that earns him a lot of money quickly and easily … He has become critical of the time spent and professional attention that I give to my 4-5 students per week, some of whom have 30 minute lessons, some 45 minute and one 1 hour long lesson per week…and there is time that I spend (once only) with each of my bridal clients as well. He does earn a lot, and he allows me to use some of what he earns to buy the family’s groceries, however I will not scrap my harp profession to accommodate his complaints. Someday, I may need to rely heavily on my harp income again. I have been a pro harpist all my life (I’m in mid-life now). The only room on the first floor that is big enough to teach in is the living room. He hates it that he and the 2 teenage kids have to be relatively quiet during lessons (not talk loudly and slam doors) while I teach or while I visit with a bride. He says my doing business out of his home is an imposition on the family routine and on his comfort in his own home after a hard day at work.
    The other day, a work colleague of his was going to spontaneously, without notice, drop something off for him at the house during a harp lesson time, and when he mentioned that this person was on the way to the house, I thought I was being gracious by telling my husband in a pleasant tone that he was not to worry about inconveniencing me or my adult harp student….he could just have his colleague come on into the house and meet with him in the breakfast room. My husband’s reaction: (shouting angrily) “Since when do you think you need to give me permission for me to have someone over? This is my house! (it IS his house) “If anything, you should call that student up right away and cancel, because what I do is so much more important than what you do! Do you realize that?!” (the student lives 45 minutes away, and this happened at the dinner table, 10 minutes before the student was expected to arrive). He continued: “By the way….This family is very inconvenienced when you spend as long as an entire hour with one bride. That is ridiculous” (my bridal appointments number about 1.5 appointments per week). Since that time, he has repeated his assertion that I spend too much time with a bridal client, and he hates giving up the living room during that hour. He likes looking at his laptop computer in a certain easy chair whenever he pleases. Anyone else here have a narcissistic, arrogant, demanding husband or spouse whose patience with the harp biz is wearing thin…and how do you deal with this? Two years into our marriage and he was fine for awhile, but he is just starting to get this way, and it seems to be worsening. He also says that when I have a rough time at a wedding (playing outside in 100+ degree heat, or a bride outright lying to me about there not being multiple stairs to climb at a particular venue, and no one is there to help…or some other similar unpleasantness that can come up at a wedding, he would prefer that I just keep my stories to myself and not tell him about it anymore. He says doesn’t want to hear anything about the weddings or gigs at all. However he can rant endlessly about his woes at work. Any suggestion on how to put this guy in his place and help him see that the importance of one’s work does not hinge entirely on the size of the paycheck? You may reply to me privately, or here in this forum.

    Participant
    Jessica A on #145614

    You and he have two different sets of values.

    Participant
    elizabeth-palladino on #145615

    I had a husband like that–the D word (divorce) does not even exist in my universe–I am one of the old-fashioned die-hards who believes in one marriage forever– but I divorced him, married a second time to a man who has always been (17 years so far) a blessing and a gift. It is never too late for a happy family life. Ditch the jerk, keep the harp business.

    Participant
    unknown-user on #145616

    yes – file for divorce –

    Participant
    jessica-wolff on #145617

    Shed the jerk.

    Participant
    margaret-vance on #145618

    Dump him!

    Participant
    onita-sanders on #145619

    When I sat down at this library computer, the sun was shining bright and all was just going find, until I read your posting on this forum.

    Member
    Sylvia Clark on #145620

    I’ve never been married, either, for which I’m extremely grateful…but if I were in your situation, I would get out of there as fast as possible.

    Participant
    andee-craig on #145621

    Carol, I am so sad for you right now. I agree with everyone else here so far.

    I am married and my husband is somewhat inconvenienced when I have a harp student early on a Saturday or Sunday morning, but he loves me so he puts up with it. Not only does he put up with it, but he nurtures and encourages it because he loves me, the same as I nurture and encourage his dreams and those activities which he loves.

    Marriage is a partnership of equals but unfortunately your husband doesn’t see it that way.

    Member
    eliza-morrison on #145622

    I agree with the earlier comments. Marriage is about mutual accomodation, mutual courtesy, mutual kindness, mutual respect. This man does not respect you and does not consider you to be his equal. Controlling behavior such as his nearly always escalates, it rarely (if ever) gets better. Eventually he may resort to violence. In the meantime, statements such as “what I do is so much more important than what you do” are abusive.

    Participant
    mccall-williams on #145623

    Carol, I’m sorry this is happening. It sounds just awful.

    I’m not sure this is the forum to discuss this, though. There are TONS of forums regarding interpersonal and marriage issues.. and I think you’d be able to get better help there.

    Best of luck to you!

    Member
    cc-chiu on #145624

    I sent you an e-mail. I hope it is useful to you. Lots of good luck with solving this difficult situation!

    Member
    Sylvia Clark on #145625

    I think Carol was looking for support from other harpists, and she got it.

    Spectator
    M Rodgers on #145626

    Carol.
    I am sorry to hear about this. My ex husband and I dated for 5 years while I was in undergrad and grad school as a harp performance major. My career choice was not a surprise, and for a while he supported my choices.

    At the 7 year mark in the marriage he decided he was not happy. His business was successful but unbeknownst to me, he was spending money like crazy and ringing up credit card debt. When he had to pay me my paycheck ( my income was run through the business) he was resentful of every penny. I became a drain, I was told to go get a real job, one with insurance and benefits. Nevermind that he would not get a job with insurance, I was told it was my responsibility because he should get to do what he wanted for a living.

    I walked on eggshells whenever he was home. Nothing I did was right. We moved, he bought a new building for his business, he bought a new car, new computer, new phone….he finally dropped the bomb: He changed everything in his life but me, so I was the problem. He wanted out.

    Participant
    Philippa mcauliffe on #145627

    I know that this goes against the majority but I think you should consider the last post carefully.

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