Crashed and burned AND lived to tell about it.

[sherry-lenox]

The first time I ever played in public I was at a workshop and made a horrible mess of what I played. The second time, I froze completely.
The third time, first on pedal harp, someone moved my harp without my knowledge, slipped the pedal flat a step, and by the time I got to the A that was now an Ab, I became so verklempt that I finished playing while simultaneously vowing never to touch the thing again as long as I lived.
The next time I played by myself was actually a wedding, and thanks to the soothing benefits of Inderal and practicing the same 16 pieces for about 7 months, I survived unscathed.
Most recently, I played something as part of a Good Friday service, and after beginning very badly, I began to play the melody line and one bass note per measure only. I got through it, but was horribly nervous. The overall effect was wildly successful, but I felt awful about how I had done.
I performed totally without fear for over 60 years, so this is a very unpleasant situation to confront at this stage of life.
I am finding that less familiar pieces help, because if no one knows what they’re supposed to sound like anyway, no one’s really in a position to complain about how they actually DO sound.
I totally agree with the concept that when you’re not used to play with a large ensemble, the first time is awful. My first, one of those mentioned above, was Copeland’s “Simple Gifts” from Appalachian Spring- the little dutidudutidu part with the flute at the beginning? A Nightmare!
Still, I absolutely agree. I love the harp, and if someone is listening, I’ll do my absolute best and they’ll have to take it as it comes!
Thanks for some very helpful comments, Kay!

[David Ice]

Orchestral playing can be very intimidating–one harpist told me, truthfully, “all it takes is one moving plaid shirt in the first violins, and it’s over.” It’s true!

That said, the other comments are true, too. PEOPLE DO NOT HEAR THE MISTAKES…assuming you don’t give it away with a horrified look, grimaces, etc. There have been times when I wanted to slit my wrists backstage after a performance, and that was the time when people came up to me, literally with tears in their eyes, to say in complete sincerity, “That was the most gorgeous thing we’ve ever heard.” Go figure!

Deep breathing before an entrance, subdividing the beat before your entrance, LISTENING TO A RECORDING prior to rehearsal, annotating your part with cues (i.e. “cello scale”, “soprano”, lyric cues, anything and everything to help you find your place. Watch the conductor even on pieces you’re not playing for to get familiar with his beat pattern…how does he conduct 2, 3, or 4 beat measures? Write in the rhythms if you need to (1…2+….3…..4 e and UH…”) Nothing is off limits if it makes you more comfortable and secure. Also, if you have to drop notes in order to be secure, do so. After 32 years of orchestra, trust me, a conductor wants sound from the harp…if you have to drop notes to get the part solid, he’d rather have that than silence! Listen to a recording…..are you solo? Or are you doubled by the celli and basses and 4 trombones? Then simplify, drop the redundant notes, just play whatever will get you thorough a section in rhythm and in the harmony. Lucille Lawrence stated that “you don’t play the notes, you play the composer’s intent.” Dorothy Remsen told me, “You just decompose”….in other words, play what the composer wanted to hear because most times, they don’t know how to write it. (A classic case is the printed version of the Nutcracker Cadenza!)

Start with a community orchestra or band, and relax and have fun. Yes, it can be stressful, but on the other hand it’s great fun to be in the middle of all that SOUND and you’re a part of it!

[Gretchen Cover]

David,

Nicely written and thoughtful comments.

[angel-zhao]

Thank you for sharing, Kay and others. It’s good to know that others survive through such ordeals, too. As someone who’s usually very comfortable playing in an orchestral setting, I want to share my experience here.

Back in high school, I asked the conductor for a “special” part in his newly chosen show pieces for the wind ensemble. I was asked to play the bass part on a synthesizer. I thought it would be easy and fun at first because I already had all those years of piano under my belt. Oh, how wrong I was! That part felt especially exposed because it comes in right after the rest of the wind ensemble finishes making random noises to imitate a jazz band sound check (yes, within the piece), and I needed to get the tempo just right to lead in the section. I cannot tell you how frustrating that part was to play and I only had myself to blame. I tried to clear my head, I tried to quietly count the tempo during the “sound check,” I tried to tap my foot and even tried to turn the volume down to mask my insecurity (got asked to turn it up during rehearsal though). Get this: it was only very simple quarter notes. Needless to say, none of my efforts to calm myself really worked.

I barely made it through during the competition recording… then proceeded to crash and burn during the school concert with parents and friends in attendance. I felt so ashamed at the concert and my tears were on the verge of escaping by the time I packed up the equipment. I vaguely remember apologizing to the conductor (he’s one of my favourite teachers of all time, so imagine the disappointment I had in myself) and vaguely remember him telling me “it’s OK, you did your best” or something along those lines. That piece of music was probably one of the largest slices of humble cake I have ever had. I still haven’t gotten over it yet… Hopefully one day I can look back and honestly think that “it’s OK, I tried.”

[lam-wk]

Dear Kay, You are truly a hero to share your true feelings of a traumatic experience. I am a physician and a lover of music. I saw many people who hide their true feelings and this end up with unresolved emotions that never die. Indeed it is absolutely okay and natural to make mistakes, which is NOT a failure, but the ONLY road to success. Success and failure are, indeed, pointing at the same direction: we too need to go through the weathering process as said by Sylvia. Performance anxiety exists in players of all levels and I heard stories of great masters like Arthur Rubinstein and Andres Segovia, who too have many similar experiences before they were great masters. All you need to do is to embrace that feeling and go forward. I am sure your team members are far more forgiving than you imagine. You may be catatrophizing the error. Playing in a band is great fun.

I just attended a conference after 16 hours of flight. I have learned only one thing: perfectionism is the worst obstacle towards success. Go and have fun and make some more mistakes!

[haromagik]

Hey Kreig, what is it about those zooming flutes?? I have to laugh because I play flute and alto flute, along with harp. However, I was playing with a Celtic trio for awhile, me on harp, guitar/vocalist, and a whistle/flute player. In rehearsals we’d work so hard to set the tempo, and even sometimes arrange things so that I’d set the tempo, and then when we got to performances, that flute/whistle would just take off! And I’d be plucking my fastest to keep up! Good training, I guess, but it was hard and I never felt I played my best when that was happening. It’s made me try to be very conscientious as a flute player when I am collaborating with others, especially harpists, to watch where I might be tempted to rush things, and to listen and slow down.

[kreig-kitts]

One thought is that if harpists had to blow their harps, I bet they’d tend to push on those long adagio lines as well, and flutes are among the most air intensive instruments.

[katie-buckley]

Trust me, even if you’ve been playing a million years and in orchestra every day, you STILL have concerts like this. 🙂 A few weeks ago, I was thinking to myself, are my feet still attached to my body or did they grow their own brain and decide to sabotage me? hehe. It happens, we’re human!

[Tacye]

Nerves tend to make me slow down my playing – not the best combinaion with those who zoom off!

[Sid Humphreys]

Okay, it happened to me this past Sunday. I was asked to accompany the violin for a piece titled “Song From A Secret Garden” at Cathedral Of Hope. Reflecting on this embarrassing performance, I wanted it to be “perfect.” That caused anxiety. All it took was to miss one chord and my brain froze, insisting on playing the same chord over and over until it worked. Finally I stopped and regrouped. The rest went pretty well but I can see hands shaking a little in the video. It seems that the mistake went on for a whole page but in fact, it was just a couple of measures. Anyway, the second service went very well, no mistakes but OF COURSE the first service is what went on line! Here is the link to the full service. It is the prelude to service and starts about 1minute after the video starts. Sorry I don’t know how to capture just a segment to post here….
http://www2.cathedralofhope.com/worship/2013worship/110-2013-june/2238-june-30-service
Sid

[haromagik]

Well Sid, I thought your playing was lovely, and that your recovery from the mistake was really well done. I keep thinking that the goal is to make friends with mistakes. That’s the only way I seem to be able to play through them! What a pretty piece!

[kay-lister]

Sid – lovely piece and nice recovery. It’s always hardest being in the hot seat I know. When I see or hear others make goofs, I feel for them and truly, if I didn’t know better I would never notice. But when it’s YOU, oh my goodness – it’s nothing short of a heart attack! Why do we do that to ourselves?

Kay

[Gretchen Cover]

Sid, I was so captivated by Secret Garden that I barely noticed your mistake. I bought the music to play with a college student violinist for a church service. Your mistake was my inspiration.

[Sid Humphreys]

Thanks Ellen, Kay and Gretchen. I know it’s all part of being a musician, but it really helps to hear encouragement from your peers! Gretchen, it is a lovely piece and will go in my gig book as solo (the accompaniment has enough melody to make up the whole piece with some simple re-writing) as well as duet.

[maryalice-little]

As a new subscriber, I am just reading all of this now, in September. Thank you all for sharing. We all have moments of achieving “unintended results.” This is a part of life. Where we go with that information is up to us.

I have come to accept – and I am using this as a pep talk for myself, as well (I am playing for a wedding tomorrow with some new music) – that performing is really about an energetic exchange, in this case, via sound vibrations. When I can feel love for the music, the instrument, the setting, and/or the people for whom I am playing, then the listeners feel the love, if they are open to it.

The listeners are generally there for enjoyment. If I make a “mistake” and emphasize my discomfort through hesitation or scowling, then the audience feels bad along with me. But if I can just keep going, or even chuckle a bit, then they can enjoy the moment, too. We are sharing our humanity, and the live audience usually appreciates perceiving the live performer’s humanity as well, in whatever -preferably joyful – way that it unfolds.

[Author]

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