Crashed and burned AND lived to tell about it.

[kay-lister]

I debated on even sharing this and decided that YES, I should as I am still picking myself up and deciding whether or not to throw myself in THAT ring again.

I had recently joined the community band as the only string instrument they would have at the time. The group constists of about 50 or so people of various ages and instruments and they were very excited to have me join the group. I had my first public performace with them this past Friday evening where the music was Irish (all but one piece). I had decided against doing a solo part for my first showing with the group as I was just settling in to the whole “Band thing” and just wanted to blend in so to speak. My one part that I did play alone was about 8 measures of very fast notes while the percussion folks carried the beat. Well . . . I fumbled and fell all over my notes and was mortified. The audience really didn’t know but I sure did as well as the rest of the group. Here’s the deal . . . I have played weddings, and events that I have been in the spot light while the Governor looked on and made it through with NO problem. The music was fast but CERTAINLY not difficult, and basically I guess I had a panic attack. Playing alone, if I screw it up I can fudge my way through and make it all sound as if it was meant to be, but not in THIS situation . I needed to be “Spot on” and I wasn’t.

I apologized to the director afterwards and he didn’t seem too concerned and encouraged me to hang in there. That was certainly nice of him but honestly didn’t make me feel any better. I felt sick to my stomach ALL night long and I am REALLY not sure if I want to continue being part of the band.

I ran into a band member the next day and she asked “But did you have fun”? Quite honestly “No” was my reply. Fluttering heart and sick stomach . . . hmmmm – not my idea of a fun time.

I was disappointed in myself for sure KNOWING how well I can play and just don’t/didn’t understand where the panic came from.

The reason that I AM sharing this is NOT to get encouragement to continue on with the band as that is my decision and the jury is still out on that one. I am sharing to tell you that I gave it a shot, crashed and burned and the world did NOT end nor did people come up to me and question if I even knew what a harp was. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I had put SOOOOOOOOO much pressure on myself to succeed and I was meant to be shown that, yes people fail and we just keep moving forward. Life can’t always be one success after another and I truly feel that it was my turn to be humbled.

My advice to anyone is you never know until you try so give it a shot. So what if it doesn’t work out, I tried. Do I know how to play this thing they call harp? DARN RIGHT I DO! Just NOT this past Friday evening ;-).

Kay

[kimberly-rowe]

Thanks for sharing Kay! This should really be a blog and then you’d have a chance to win a free subscription to Harp Column…just sayin! (We’re giving one away every month to the best blog.)

[kreig-kitts]

Playing in band can make me fumble on some surprisingly easy passages. It’s a whole different mental thing from playing solo. Not only is there the pressure of “not letting the group down”, but your mental resources are spread more thingly. You have to watch a conductor while still glancing at your music and strings, count sometimes long rests and coming in cold, and listen to others while paying attention to your own playing.

In one of the orchestral guides, maybe Sarah Bullen’s “Principal Harp” excerpts but I think it was Beatrice Rose’s “The Harp in the Orchestra”, the author notes how many harpists have difficulty making the transition to orchestral playing (often in college), since many of them don’t get the same large ensemble experience that most winds, percussion, and bowed strings do.

I try to borrow from Albert Ellis’ books on rational emotive therapy and remind myself that the worst that can happen is I sound absolutely terrible, just dreadful, I play every note wrong and every mistake is heard by everybody in the audience. Let’s say that happens. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, life would go on, and it would be an embarrassment but no real harm’s been done to anybody. You have to have a bit of that attitude. Not only does it help lesson the stress that can worsen your playing, but when the inevitable mistakes happen, it lets you keep going and keep playing, which is the best way to improve.

It might help (and if nothing else it’s amusing) to Google “trumpet bloopers”. One of the first hits is a site that has compiled clips, some of them by professionals, of highly exposed mistakes (it’s hard to get more exposed than a solo trumpet). And remember, moments like this happen to even the best:

@http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DBAoWr-imY

[kay-lister]

Thanks Kim. Is there a way to transfer it over to “Blog”?

Kay

[kay-lister]

Thanks for posting that Kreig. I know I’m not the only one to experience this, but it truly was a lonely place to be and if I could have crawled into the holes in the back of the harp I would have.

Kay

[Philippa mcauliffe]

The first time I played in a harp ensemble concert I was supposed to the the little cute one playing the opening solo. My levers were in the wrong place. The famous teacher laughed, told the audience she should have checkd that, explained about levers, flicked mine over and we started again. I have never had a more exposed hideous noise since so I guess its best to start really badly and improve from there.

[Sylvia]

You just need weathering. We all start from 0, and experience is the best teacher. Remember, when you are playing your harp, you are right at home…your home is right in back of your harp…no matter where you are. Even Michelle Kwan fell on her behind sometimes.

I recall one of my early band experiences….the Nutcracker cadenza, which I DO know solidly…I was coming down with a cold. I got to the end of the cadenza where those final chords are…and they weren’t there. I knew the print music was there, but I didn’t look because I never thought of it. I looked on the strings, but the chords just weren’t there, and the silence was deafening. The conductor waited….seemingly forever…before he moved on. I love band, and I go whenever they have a part for me.

[kimberly-rowe]

Sure, just copy and paste!

[lyn-boundy]

Thank you for posting this Kay! To a beginner like me it seems that everyone else is drippping with confidence and experience and that I am the only person who ever makes a mistake. I suspect having told us about this will improve your own performance because. instead of brooding over what went wrong in private, you can now begin to put the whole thing into perspective – nobody died, after all. As you are already aware, the chances of anyone in the audience having noticed anything amiss are virtually nil – and it’s my bet that nobody out there could have played anything like as well as you did, even with a few errors.

It is brave and generous of you to share the experience. Although I’m a long way off any kind of public performance, when I do eventually play for a crowd of strangers and make mistakes (as I inevitably will) I will remember your experience and know it happens to the best of us. Please don’t have any worries about your next performance – the ‘worst’ has happened and it’s uphill all the way from now on. Anyone who says they have never made a mistake in any performance is either lying or a robotic and uninspired musician. Good luck next time -please do come back and tell us all how it goes.

[kreig-kitts]

Lyn’s statement that nobody in the audience probably noticed anything could be quite true. I’ll share a story from my own experience. A couple of years ago, when I was still getting used to playing in public and had only had a pedal harp a year or so, a flutist in our band wanted to play Berlioz’s Trio of the Young Ishmaelites for a Christmas concert. In this piece, the flutes play a lot of long, sustained phrases, and the harp plays repeating triplets under them. It’s not too difficult (except for the opening measures, which are quite hard to time together and we cut most of them), though a few parts are a bit pedally. The main danger is that the flutes want to run off with the piece, since their parts barely move for most of it, and a tempo at which they feel quite comfortable can easily stress the harpist.

So along comes the performance, the ZOOM! they’re off. I butchered so many measures, and there were a few were I had to just pluck one or two strings while I regained my composure. To my credit, I kept playing even while it sounded like Charles Ives had transcribed our edition. Afterward, one member of the audience came up and said how it was his favorite piece and he really enjoyed the harp. One lesson is that the harp is seriously sexy and people will forgive almost anything a harpist does. But another is that a lot of people miss things we notice, and if you keep going, keep the tempo and rhythm, don’t act like you just killed somebody with your harp, and end well, they forget or at least forgive a lot.

Finally, while we have some more musical people in our audience who probably heard the mistakes, they can be pretty understanding. They know everybody has their moments, and also know that in many community groups, people have had varying training and experience and they’re holding down various other commitments while trying to fit in rehearsals and individual practice. They expect some effort and I wouldn’t like an amateur performance where they didn’t take it seriously at all, but the great thing about community music isn’t that they sound just like pros. It’s that they sound as good as they do given that they’re not professioanls. Our ensemble, while not as amazing as some community groups, is nevertheless quite good. And because we’re an open ensemble with no auditions, we take extra pride in how far we’ve come, the repertoire we play, and the fact that we play it fairly well.

[Sherj DeSantis]

My daughter was an incredible flautist all through school. I on the other hand, play but I am not particularly talented. I simply practice a lot so I can do it. She told me once…”why be nervous. They never even know when you play a wrong note”. In general, she is correct. When playing well known pieces maybe people catch on. But she never seemed to be outwardly nervous. (With her personality, I suspect she bottles it up inside and hides it well.) I have heard a lot of professionals play, and when I am sitting close to them, they all have little mistakes they simply play through. I once was asked to play from the audience and went up and did so, played something I had never played in public, and totally messed up. I said to the audience, “I’m sorry I thought I could play this, clearly I am wrong. I’m going to play something else.” I did and everything was OK.

I might also note, how we play can be a direct reflection on our teachers. A teacher who teaches well, addresses mistakes, and great as well as poor performances. My teacher has never berated me about my numerous mistakes over the past 9 years. She is encouraging, understanding, gives positive constructive criticism, and doesn’t make a big deal over them. I find we are much harder on ourselves, than anyone else is. (And if you have a teacher with that attitude, I might look for someone else!)

[Sylvia]

Sherj, maybe in your case apology was appropriate, but I learned early on NEVER to apologize…seemed it would bring on confused looks and make the audience feel bad. My new attitude helped me be able to “play through” mistakes like everything was OK. So I just started putting on a celebrity smile, like I was happy as a clam, and pretended everything was wonderful, no matter what happened. The audience stays happy that way, and they don’t need to share my misery, if I have any.

[Sherj DeSantis]

Thanks Sylvia and I understand your position. Mine is probably different. I am not a professional, and I understand that you are. I was not playing as a professional, but an amateur. I can’t see any other choice other than to say what I did, and it seemed poor manners at that time, to do anything else. What I envy you and others who are professional, is to be at that skill level where you can play through mistakes. I’m not there yet. I am working on it! I also never market myself as a pro, although I know several at my level who do, and I wonder about the justice of that position to the professional community. I think I also meant to let Kay know that I understand quite a bit of what she experienced. Thank you for your ideas. Blessings! Sherj

[kay-lister]

YAY – I got Blog of the month! Well . . . at least SOMETHING good came out of the experience (LOL). THANKS KIM!

[Anonymous]

Congrats Kay! And thank you for sharing this. 🙂

[Author]

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