Tears

[Saul Davis Zlatkovski]

What do you do when a student comes close to tears, or actually begins crying?

I tend to think I should acknowledge the difficulty and frustration, compliment the student on how much they have accomplished so far, note the enormity of what they are working on, and then–get back to work! I don’t think I can stop everything to hold their hand, or hug, or something indulgent. One has to be able to work despite emotions in many situations. My teachers certainly had no patience for it, and if you started caving in, they would zero in on any weakness and really make you wail! I never let that happened, I put my back up, my spine, and I needed that in orchestra situations later on. What is shocking is when a student cannot appreciate this approach and wants to be indulged, even a grown-up. Oh, well. What can you do, really? How do you handle tears?

[tony-morosco]

It would really depend on why they are crying. Are they crying because they can’t get something and it is frustrating them, or are they crying because they received criticism that was worded and presented in certain way.

I think if it is the former then your approach is fine. You acknowledge their feelings and the fact that it is frustrating. You give them some encouragement in the form of positive feedback of the things they

[unknown-user]

Tears… well a very difficult situation to handle…

[kay-lister]

I am certainly not a harp teacher, but I have instructed 1st grade students in reading and math and I am a harp student of 5 years myself.

[kay-lister]

Saul,

Just remembered a little story about one of my firstgraders. She would always cry when I would call her back to work directly with me so one day I asked her why and she told me ” When I cry at home, my Mamma don’t make me do nothin”. Well, I told her I wasn’t her Mamma and we were here to work. So, the next day when it was her turn to work with me, she put her tiny little hands on her hips and told me “My Mamma says I don’t have to do nothin you and Miss — says to do”. Oh well, so much for mutual respect.

[diane-michaels]

I’ll add one more reason that students cry: their bubble has been burst.

[unknown-user]

My teachers certainly had no patience for it, and if you started caving
in, they would zero in on any weakness and really make you wail!

I have to be upfront here. I have no tolerance for that level of emotional violation of a student. I completely disagree with that approach. It is a remnant of our tribal mindset and more primitive motivations socially. Sociologists can verify that shaming a student into learning/obeying is the method used by cults, communistic governments and abusive individuals. How is there a place for that in teaching? Yes, music is an ideal towards which we strive, but it is completely unethical imo to violate a human being in order to achieve that. There is no excuse for zero empathy, regardless of stature and intelligence. Shame on anyone who deliberately attacks someone’s emotional weakness. Shame on them, whoever they are.

I
never let that happened, I put my back up, my spine, and I needed that
in orchestra situations later on. What is shocking is when a student
cannot appreciate this approach and wants to be indulged, even a
grown-up. Oh, well. What can you do, really? How do you handle tears?

I admire your inner strength, Saul. It is not about wanting to be indulged. It is about being respected as an entire human being, not a musical robot. I have experienced this from both ends, and the solution is not hard. You simply ask the student if they feel able to proceed with the lesson. If they say ‘no’, then that is to be respected.

How can we as musicians communicate with sensitivity and meaning in music if we cannot achieve this with simple verbal exchanges? This has baffled me for sometime, and it makes me wonder if artificiality can translate into sincerity in the minds of the innocent.

[unknown-user]

I never let that happened, I put my back up, my spine, and I needed that in orchestra situations later on.

I should add that this is a real catch-22. The oppressive, sometimes sadistic, culture found in the performing arts can be fed by creating more individuals who can operate within that mindset, or we can work to find a more civilized approach to communicating. I have also not understood the benefit of nearly abusive conductors to motivate musicians. By observation it would be logical to conclude that none of the musicians even wanted to get it right, that they had to be forced. It makes absolutely no sense to me. People who actually love music will get it right because they want to and will be willing to work until they do. All this social berating and nonsense clouds the issue of music and shifts everyone’s attention away from the meaning in a passage to merely surviving it w/o humiliation.

[unknown-user]

Some relevant quotes from How the Brain Learns by David A. Sousa.

What teachers learned in the past… Their training on how the brain learns has focused essentially on the behaviorist model which tries to explain what is happening inside the brain by observing outside behavior. (page1)

Under certain conditions, emotions can enhance memory by causing the release of hormones that stimulate the amygdala to signal brain regions to strengthen memory. Strong emotions can shut down conscious processing during the event while enhancing our memory of it. Emotion is a powerful and misunderstood force in learning and memory. Another way of stating the situation illustrated in Figure 2:2 is that before students will turn their attention to cognitive learning (the curriculum), they must feel physically safe and emotionally secure. (page 42-43)

Over the years, most teacher-training classes have told prospective teachers to focus on reason and avoid emotions in their lessons. Now, we need to enlighten educators about how emotions consistently affect attention and learning.

Figure 2:2 Data that affect survival and data that generate emotions are processed ahead of data for new cognitive learning. (page 43)

We also have to explore what and how we teach students about their emotions. Goleman suggests we teach about controlling impulses, delaying gratifications, expressing feelings, managing relationships, and reducing stress. Students should recognize that they can manage their emotions for greater productivity and can develop emotional skills for greater success in life. (page 44)

[lydia-weaver-haywood]

So far I haven’t had any harp students in tears, but I have had

[Victor Ortega]

I agree very much with what Julieanne Rabens and Kay Lister have written.

[unknown-user]

Julieanne, I have to ask… you say that using shame in teaching is
unethical.

[unknown-user]

It’s also worth noting that in the quest to make someone strong, if you leave them feeling powerless, you have in fact made them weak. It can create a need for more control than what is healthy. From the opening post, Saul is a remarkable exception to be able to maintain compassion and strength. But my concern w/ teachers and conductors is that those who have been trained to feel powerless, overcompensate by being too controlling with those under their charge, making students/performers feel powerless as a way to feel strong/competent as teachers or conductors.

[unknown-user]

My teachers certainly had no patience for it, and if you started caving
in, they would zero in on any weakness and really make you wail!

It was this sentence here that really got to me. I’ve had rigorous teachers, and had occassions where i felt a little choked up out of my failings, but there was a bond of trust there, the assumption that there was no intent to intentionally hurt me. It was understood they were showing me the way to be a deeper artist. I loved them for it. What i cannot imagine is someone glimpsing a student’s vulnerability, and then deliberately beating them down for it.

I keep thinking about this thread and have asked myself what i would do if a teacher deliberately hurt me or a friend. I would address it, but probably in the least emotional terms possible. Giving that teacher information on brain research to show evidence why their tactics are not ideal would be a first step. Then i would probably just leave the studio, perhaps offering an explanation if they desired to seek it out.

I’ve been in music professionally for about twenty years now, and while i love its ideals, there are problems there that could break any heart. In some ways the performing arts are similar to politics – ideals realized in a self-seeking, corrupted manner. The beauty and meaning in music can teach us a kind of deep understanding of the human experience that few other activities can match. It can be an exercise in empathy. It is a mystery that a person can recreate patterns made by someone hundreds of years ago and find personal relevance. Music has this capacity to heal and connect, and yet it is often realized as a weapon causing people to focus on their own power and success at the expense of others. This deep irony is something i have reflected on with my best strength for years.

[Bonnie Shaljean]

Another relevant point is the absolutely
shocking number of students who come to you

[Author]

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