Super-Nerves Stories

[mae-mcallister]

Hey everyone,

So I did my grade 5 exam today, exactly one year to the day of having my first harp lesson…and goodness, what a lot of work, stress and panic for 15 minutes of harp playing (seriously…the examiner was in a total rush to get it over and done with!!)

I spent this morning in such a state of intense anxiety that I cannot even describe, and nothing, nothing I did would relieve it even the tiniest bit. Now, I’ve been performing for almost 17 years now, and seriously, I can’t ever remember feeling this bad in a musical context. Believe you me, I know almost all the tricks in the book about how to fight adrenalin, so I’m not looking for advice, or at least stupid advice (like “try and relax”).

In my head, the exam was horrific, and I’m fighting with myself not to think about it now. It wasn’t. Out of my three pieces, two of them I was happy and confident with, and they went as well as I could possibly hope for in an exam. My scales ditto. The sight-reading was disappointment because it was quite hard, and I’d done so much practice beforehand for it, and it didn’t go very well, but hey ho. And the aural was a breeze. But that first piece, oh, that first piece.

It was a Scarlatti (never, NEVER play anything marked “presto” in an exam. Never.) and it never sat with me well at all, but I learned it in about 5-6 weeks so I didn’t have the time to change it, and the other 3 pieces (so much choice…) were all a bit meh. I practiced that piece until my fingers fell off, day after day, week after week, over and over, and even by my normal stumbling rate it was awful because “stumbling” is basically how the whole piece was. It’s this piece that made me feel sick with relentless anxiety for weeks and more than anything I just wanted to be done with it, but now I can’t stop thinking about how badly it went and how much time I wasted practicing and playing something I didn’t enjoy over and over to get it good and in the end it was all for nothing.

And I was thinking about what made that piece so different from the other ones in terms of how in control I felt about it and how happy I was with it and it is this: Rubato. Not just messing around with the timing, but with the other two pieces I felt connected to them musically, and I could make them my own by singing them out in my own voice, with my own pauses, my own dynamics, my own feelings. Not this one. Baroque + classical music (think Mozart) is so clinically controlled and precise and has to be just so. One note out of time stands out a mile. The time is not yours, the notes are not yours, the dynamics are not yours. Now I’m not saying that you can’t be expressive with these styles, only that I don’t feel I can be. How I play just doesn’t fit with how it has to sound. And I forced myself to play this piece in the hope of becoming a slightly more rounded harp player, and it just made me miserable.

And this, in a nutshell, is what drove me away from classical music, where I grew up, to the world of folk. I never started performing confidently till I became a folk musician. In the world of folk performance, you can talk to the audience because they are just humans like you, and you make the tunes your own, and no one, no one cares if you make the odd slip because who cares? We’re not robots. Whereas in classical music, I am (again) struggling to deal with the absolutely overwhelming pressure of making each note pristine and perfect and just so and what’s more repeatably so. There is no room for blagging, no room for playing or pulling or being at one with the music. You just have to be perfect, every time. How do you deal with that sort of performance pressure?

I just felt so sick this morning it made me never want to do a grade ever again. It made me resent playing the harp. It made it not fun. I think that’s a shame. I think you guys can help, because you’re all so lovely. And I think that you all have some similar stories which you might like to share? Not because I want to know that other suffer too, but because we’re all in it together, in one way or another.

[Gretchen Cover]

Mae, I am super proud of you being able to get to level 5 in one year of harp playing. That is a huge accomplishment!! Congratulations on being brave enough to take the exam. I would have gone for the slow Pavanne over the presto Scarlatti:) Did you record your exam? I’m sure if you could listen to it, you played better than you thought. When you work on the level 6 exams, play what you really connect with. I hope you will move on simply to make yourself a better harpist and musician.

PS/ Don’t lose sleep over playing a few wrong notes. It’s live music – anything can happen. At least you didn’t break a critical string during your exam….

[mae-mcallister]

Thanks Gretchen! I think the exam was over too quickly for a string to break (not that I wasn’t dreading it…)

Alas, the Pavane is pedal harp only. There really wasn’t much choice for lever harp!

[kay-lister]

Hi Mae,

May I ask, how old are you and what is your goal as a harpist?

Kay

[mae-mcallister]

Um, yes…why?

I’m 24…

At the moment, I have 2 goals: The first is to get my grade 8, because with all the instruments over the years I never managed, either because I wasn’t good enough or because I wasn’t motivated enough or I was both but they don’t offer grades on folk instruments. This is something I am doing for me to prove to myself that I can, and I’m going at it with super-stubborn determination. I took the opportunity to do grade 5 because it was then or never, and I have already ordered my grade 7 music. I’ve never played an instrument so far that I worked at so hard or wanted that so much.

The other is to play tunes competently in sessions (not just accompaniment, but actual TUNES, and not just waltzes either). This won’t come for a while because damn, playing fast on the harp is hard, but I enjoy it and as the grades force me to get better and give me the discipline to practice things I normally wouldn’t, the ability to play Irish reels at speed will come with time. And then I may be able to perform folk music on the harp and that would be awesome.

I do have a vague idea about possibly studying the harp one day. I am a composer by nature, but music courses never let you study just that, they make you do an instrument and composing as a second one. This isn’t a blind ambition, but it’s a possible vague idea about a door opener. This course has so far been barred to me for the above reasons (also because studying musicians drive me NUTS), and I am also highly realistic about being actually good at something I only started at age 23 (i.e. there will always be thousands better than me because they started young) but it would be ace if I could do my grade 7 in the spring and I might be able to reach grade 8 by the time I finish my PhD if I’m lucky/unlucky and then who knows.

In conclusion, my goal as a harpist is TO KICK ASS.

[Janis Cortese]

There’s only 24 hours in a day, though. Don’t waste time kicking irrelevant asses that won’t get you to your goal. You only need to kick the asses that are between you and what you want to accomplish.

[kay-lister]

Just curious about the age because (I’m 59) the older we get, sometimes I think we put more pressure on ourselves because we have the mind set that we’ve been around a while and we’re adults and things should just come easier to us. BUT, we need to cut ourselves a break and realize that our older brains sometimes take a bit longer to learn then when we were younger AND LIFE JUST GETS IN THE WAY.

SO, that being said, since you are the ripe old age of 24, you have a great advantage of those brain cells kicking in a bit faster than us who are older. I would suggest to just cut yourself some slack. This is a tough instrument and you’re still in the early stages and doing quite well. Set your goals high, do your BEST to reach them and be satisfied with where your best takes you. The road to success is FULL of obstacles, pot-holes, wrong turns and failures. It’s a LONG trip, so enjoy the ride and you WILL get to your destination!

The pieces that are a PIA . . . Just know that they are are part of life just like everything else. They just don’t make since right now, you don’t like them, but it’s all part of the process. Kinda like me and Algebra – HAD to do it, HATED it, STILL can’t find X and don’t care if I ever do.

Kay 😉

[mae-mcallister]

My results just came in O_o

…apparently there was nothing to worry about.

JUST GOES TO SHOW.

Kay, you’re dead right. I need some slack. Do you know where I can get that? 🙂 I need some of that. I think I forgot that I was doing a grade 5 exam this time, not performing in front of hundreds of people. CHILL, MAE, CHILL.

P.s. I still insist on believing that no-one can be bad at learning algebra, only bad at teaching it:) Sounds like a challenge to me…:)

[Elizabeth Volpé Bligh]

I recommend two books: The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle and The Practice Revolution by Philip Johnston. See if they help!

[balfour-knight]

Congratulations, Mae! I just found this older blog, and enjoyed reading it. Kay, I am 60, so this sort-of puts things in better prospective! Mae, good luck on your PHD (what field?) and attaining Level 8 with the harp. Where are you right now in your quests?
Best regards to all,
Balfour

[Biagio]

Had an Ah HA! moment this morning – like Balfour I’m browsing older posts and thought I’d blather about it. To whit: all of the really fine harpists I know started as children (not necessarily on the harp of course). So what does that say to be as an old guy like me? AH HA: try to reclaim that joy and wonder, Biagio, stop looking at practice as drudgery.

Hee hee,
Biagio

[jtattoo]

I haven’t been here for many years but had to enjoy the banter about “nerves”. Playing the harp in public regardless of age and experience is not totally unlike walking on the edge of a cliff! That to me was the joy and fun of the instrument. The greater the pleasure, the greater the pain……..When it goes well, the feeling when you walk off the stage is unbelievable. When you fall off the cliff, it’s a long dark walk. Remember, “they can’t put you in jail for missing notes!”. Jim P

[balfour-knight]

That’s wonderful Jim! And Biagio, are you enjoying practicing now? Have a great day, all of you.
Balfour

[Biagio]

Yes I’m enjoying it much more thanks Balfour. I really do think that the more relaxed we are the better we do the task at hand. As long as we are not comatose, of course.

Which is a funny thing since for most of my life I pretty much ran on adrenalin. Note to self: the world will not come to a screeching halt if you miss that one note.

Besides I have a design for a high head wire strung 32 or 34 in the works….nice way to take a break after the 20th time through a tricky passage.

Biagio

[balfour-knight]

That new wire strung harp design sounds wonderful, Biagio! You might like to do a blog like Mae did, so we can read about your progress, with some photos. I would enjoy that very much!

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